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What it's like to be in an arranged marriage

January 25, 2015, 12:53 pm | This story has an Influence Score of 701

By @mariocantin

These are the stories of two anonymous Quora users.

Story #1:

I had an arranged marriage at 23. I did not really want to get married until I would have been completely independent - say by age of 27 or 29. But then there was family pressure.

They lined up girls who were a total mismatch. They looked for demur girls. Many were not even graduates even I was in Masters program. They looked for a woman who would take care of family and would be introvert. I wanted a life partner who would understand me.

I eventually relented when one of them was about to graduate and who appeared extrovert and lively. After all the pressure it felt she was the best of the lot.

Got married. Had issues practically from day one - yes including first night!

But then I had switched to doing my best. Started making my best efforts towards communication and building a relationship.

All she wanted was a 'good life' which meant me having a great job, a house and a great income.

Things were so so until 7 years later we had first child. At that time she put ALL her energy in being a mother and completely forget me as a partner and became a father and a PROVIDER.

A year into fatherhood I told her it was not working. She vowed to change things. Things were a bit better. At least there were no direct fights for years and we decided to have a second child - you know the first child needed a sibling and we were getting older.

Soon after the second child I experienced the same feeling of being unneeded. One and a half  year later I left her and the kids after arranging for all the things for them.

Then filed for divorce. Got divorced. Now stay connected to the kids and provide all I can.

Essentially, the arranged marriage did not work as she looked at it simply a way to 'a good life' that she could show off the world while I ended up being a provider of good things and social status. I wanted a partner who would understand and support me. I felt I got a person who took me for granted and saw everything as my duty since I had married her. Things broke!

After divorce life is good. I provide for them and I am free to live my life and not be a slave to her constant expectations.

I feel arranged marriage is like this contract folder that people sign without reading the details. We think what's written inside is our notion of a good marriage but in reality everyone's definition of the contract is different.

I feel the risk of mismatch is too high and no one wants to acknowledge it as they just want the deal done. That is a huge risk. Even if a marriage survives there is no guarantee of love and happiness.

This does not mean love marriages are any better. What matters is accurate and unmanipulated communication of expectations and a deeper understanding.Any relationship can only work with:

- a foundation of clear understanding

- constant effort from both sides

Story #2

I am married for 15 years. After my PostGrad. My parents asked me if I have any BF or they will start looking for a husband. I told them to go ahead. They kept showing me snaps of different  grooms which I didn't like. 

My parents showed me my husband's snap and his bio data( height,weight, colour ^_^, education, family background i.e  how many family members and what they do, his income. Vice versa. Then his family came  to see me. They gave us time to talk to each other privately. He liked me, I liked him. His family liked me, My family liked him. We got married. No dowry. My parents gave jewellery to me with their own wish. 

First 2/3 years of marriage were difficult. Cause with arranged marriage you  don't  just get partner, you get whole family with different culture than yours. Once/ twice I thought of quitting because I  had problem with my mother-in law. But I am glad my Granny told  me to wait for more years before leaving the marriage. My husband's family  member told him the same.  Since then we never looked back. I love my husband very much. He loves me too. There are small small problems with in-laws, but time has taught me how to deal with those problems.

I am surrounded by people who has done arranged marriage. My parents are married for more than 40yrs and still going strong. Same is the case of my uncles, aunts,cousins,last month my niece(doctor)got married which was arranged marriage too.                                                         _____________________

Source: www.quora.com. Link: http://www.quora.com/What-is-it-like-to-be-in-an-arranged-marriage.

Republished with permission, as per Quora's Terms of Service, under the subsection titled, "Quora's Licenses to You".

(Note: The above stories were not edited for grammar in order to respect Quora's Terms of Services.)

 

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